Imagine for months you work on a presentation at work. It's a big presentation. People you know and don’t know will be coming to watch you present it. You work for multiple hours a day, multiple days a week. You tweak little things and add big things. You put consistent effort into making it great by taking feedback from your leaders and input from your team. You are nervous the night before. What if you fail? What if you mess up? What if it doesn’t go as planned? You show up the next day. Even though your palms are sweaty and your stomach has butterflies, you stand up in front of the crowd and you give it your best. You were brave. You showed up. It wasn’t perfect, but you did it. You look over to your leaders for a read on how they thought it went. What would you hope to see on their faces? What would you hope they would say to you?
This is an adult scenario that parallels what our children experience during competition season. Rather than a presentation, they perform their routines at a meet. Their leaders are us, their parents. The response they receive from us will inform their self-talk and their experience. They will file away our facial expressions, our words, our actions and our energy. Being able to step into their shoes with this metaphor can allow us to evaluate our responses to their performance. It gives us the opportunity to recalibrate our behavior to create the outcome we desire. Parents have incredible power to influence their child’s experience of a sport. Parents who stick to these three outlined principles will create space for their children to own their competitive experience and build self efficacy, the belief that they are capable of achieving goals.
Principal #1: “I Love To Watch You Compete”
There is so much nuance and variable in sports that the outcome of any given competition is largely unpredictable. Athletes can control their attitude, their effort and their sportsmanship. Beyond that, much is left to chance. Some days they are just on and everything clicks. Some days the exact same effort is given and luck just isn't on their side. When our children end a competition, what they want to hear from their parents is “I love to watch you compete.”. They do not want to recap the game or go over details of what went wrong. They do not want to hear what they could have done better or how they should do it next time. That will be addressed at practice. What they want to know is that you truly enjoyed watching them do their best that day. “I love to watch you compete” is the only feedback needed.
Principal #2: I Won't Get Carried Away By The Win
Watching our children win is exciting. Watching them nail a beam routine or get a high score fills us with so much pride. In those instances, we are tempted to pile on the praise, repeat how amazing the score was and get wrapped up in the high of the success. What we may not realize is that our children are always measuring our responses. They observe and they internalize our energy. Piling on the praise and attention when they succeed sends the message that this is the new expectation. The new baseline has been set. Anything less than this amazing outcome will mean not good enough. That sounds extreme because that is not our intent. However, we are the people our children want to please more than anyone else. Our extreme positive reaction to a win leads them to be more anxious that they won't hit that mark next time. So what is a parent to do in that situation? How can we respond in a way that leaves the markers of success up to our kids? We tell them, “I love to watch you compete.”.
Principal #3: My Comments Matter
Our children absorb everything we do and say. That means that the way we comment on the performance of others matters. Commenting on another athlete, a coach or a judge gives your child information. It tells them how you are judging or evaluating performance. That judgement will then translate to their own perception of their own performance. Monitoring what we say about others allows us to send the right messages to our children and shape their self-talk. Making comments that compliment attitude, effort and sportsmanship will give athletes framework for getting results in the areas they can control. This can be helpful in reinforcing a positive mindset and competitive outlook for our athletes. Making comments about falls, scores or awards sends messages about things the athlete can not control. Comments about these areas are best kept neutral and judgement free. Being mindful that our comments matter will create space for our children to own their competitive experience. They will learn to rely on their ability to determine what is a success. Not sure if a comment is helpful? Skip the comment and just tell them “I love to watch you compete.”
Navigating the world of competitive sports with our children can invoke a variety of emotions. By practicing these three principals, we are able to allow our child’s competitive experience to be their own. We are able to act as the supportive leaders who acknowledge the effort and bravery that went into their performance. We are able to build their belief that they are capable. We are able to reinforce the importance of attitude, effort and sportsmanship. We are able to enjoy the competitions more because we know that what really matters is that our kids believe that we love to watch them compete.
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